RV + DDV = MDV

It began in March 2012. I knew the day it started...because you kicked me in the groin as you attached yourself to me. The intense pain which I tried to ignore as I sipped..nyaah...glugged my whiskey. As I took a puff of that stick that I'd all but given up, until that day.

I felt you, I knew you. And you changed me.

I was all aglow...smiling these secret little smiles...stroking my growing belly...eating fruit...bracing myself as we went over a pothole.

18 months. That's how long you've been in my life. Or maybe you've been around longer, from the day I knew I wanted you, when you were a thought...a concept...a desire. When I was 12.

One look at the pictures on my phone. It's like I have disappeared from my own life. There is only you. Sleeping smiling crying pooping crawling eating cruising. And sitting on your father's lap.

Baby M. All of ten months with two shiny white teeth and a head full of silky straight hair to show for it.

It has not been easy. You are an easy baby...so far. But bringing you into this world, nurturing you, feeding you, caring for you, understanding you, it has not been easy. Loving you though, that's a breeze.

And now you need me. I try telling you that I'm writing about you...give me a few minutes! Nope...you need me and you need me NOW.

We've started something new M. A brand new adventure and it's giving me goosebumps!

And The Balloon Bursts

That feeling, it's back

You know which one

Your chest...in a cold vice so tight

Your eyes...gritty with salt and congealed mascara

You breathe...slowly with mouth open

Hoping no one will hear the tiny gasps

You struggle for air...for control

Too many who can see you

Why waste your secret

Suck it in...Push it out

Like a big rubber balloon

Collapsing and expanding on itself

Just little bursts of breath

Escape...

Claustrophobia II

Where do I go when I want to be alone?

I did not think this through.

Where did people go when they wanted to be alone?

Or did that need not exist?

I have no space of my own...how will I breathe?

In a park? But everyone will see. Me...my tears if I want to cry.

A cafe? The sea?

This city has too many people. breathing. talking. milling. being.

Where will I go? I need to exhale.

A bathroom? A closet? A corner? Under the bed.

Where can I hide till I want to be found?

Claustrophobia

Why do I have to stand by looking awkward and lost while others are engrossed in a world of conversation I have no interest in and nothing to add to?

Why do I smile so easy? Always, perpetually, politely smiling at unsmiling faces that look through, look past, reducing it to a fake, glassy baring of teeth...a frozen grimace.

Am I uninspiring, unimpressive, bland? Who are you to judge me and why should I strive for your attention? Why do I feel like I'm drowning in a sea of anonymity, quicksand homogeneity, choking down the bitter bile of mediocrity...silently.

Am I the only one with a secret? I have inside me a mad, crazed banshee, gagged and bound. What is this need to hold on to my sanity, clinging on to what is acceptable, normal behaviour, when every last nerve and sinew is crying out for pain, more pain. External pain to dull the hoarseness from all the screaming inside.

Is my pride misplaced, confused, undeserved? The world is beautiful, mysterious, intense, unending. But where is my place in it? A dark cavern under a tree, with sewage lines running overhead, vile but safe.

What is real? Who is real? Am I real? Am I wrong and the whole world right? Am I lost and everyone else found?

How do I create when inside there's no sunshine, only thick, burying, strangling fear. Can I create out of fear? I see visions of supreme beauty, of butterfly wings glinting in the sun of rolling crashing deep blue waves of endless meadows and shining rivers of gnarled wise old trees telling stories of children who ran wild in the woods which held the promise of laughter of fairies and magic and everlasting joy. But I blink and the vision is gone.

The world is as it was - where love and friendship is conditional, fleeting, unreliable, judgmental. Where people are as they were, immersed in conversation that flits and floats, skimming over the tree tops. And I'm not invited. I'm left in my hole unable, unwilling to join in the flight of the free. You've found your wings and I've lost mine.

Aiyyoo!! 2 years!!

Ok quick update...so now i'm no longer in Delhi...no longer with NDTV...no longer newly married (yes it's been well over 3 yrs!)...no longer sporting long hair...no longer a super confident journo type...no longer totally bikini fit...no longer 26!

But hey life's good!

Stagnating and waiting

My life has come to a standstill. All around me people are exploring their options, traveling to distant lands, experiencing life-changing moments, making new friends. And here I am, stuck in time, suspended in animation, with no new places to go to and no exciting things to see and no interesting people in my life save the ones I already know. So as I listen to Norah Jones croon in her honeyed voice, “I’m singing the same song all over again”, she’s singing my song. Only difference between her and me is that she’s singing a lot many songs than I am. The need to wake up and smell the coffee are strong, but it leads to coffee dregs and a bad aftertaste. Even a heartfelt attempt to sync my ipod with new songs meets with a technical impasse, one I can’t seem to get past no matter how hard or how many times I try and try again. And when a dear friend tries the same thing he goes ‘ta-da! here you go…now just repeat the same thing I did and you’ll be ready set go with over a 1000 songs to play with.' And so I tried, but no…magic fingers or even tech-savvy ones I have not.

Frustration. The true meaning of that word is this. Sitting in the afternoon, next to a beautiful window overlooking a beautiful gulmohar tree, with the rain drizzling down and soothing music playing, one would imagine it’s the perfect setting for a person with a steady heart beating peacefully with the knowledge that this is where I belong and this is who I am. Instead you find in it’s place a sweaty face with oil drenched locks hanging morosely on an even oilier forehead, smudged glasses sitting on a long and ungainly nose hiding rheumy eyes, crooked teeth grinding themselves to bits, a back slouched in a shirt that smells of food and sweat, a body not taken care of, and that’s me. Unbathed, unclean, unpleasant. That’s me with my broken words and a spirit that is so heavy with the lack of…thereof.

What am I trying to find in my ‘alone’ time? Oh to be smooth, to smell of soap, to let my hair breathe, to stretch my limbs, to go away…to be someone. Oh this mediocrity, this loss of self, this failure to be…

That’s it! I’m packing my bags and leaving. Going away to an unknown hill in a place where no one can find me. So don’t try and find me, not till I‘ve let myself be…

No…I’m not going anywhere. But don’t try to call me; this is not a cry for help. I don’t want it. I’ll just stay here…waiting to pick myself up…myself.

Update Maadi!

No No No!!! This will not do!! Last posting in May?!?! Terrible! Pathetic! I mean look at all those prolific bloggers out there!! It's cool to blog, if you don't it must mean you have nothing to say...no opinions...therefore a sure sign proving lack of intelligence. I can't let that happen to me! Why should I be left behind?
Hmm...yes...so...I'm going to blog some more.
I'm back in Delhi!! My life has come a full circle and I'm back to square one hoping for a fresh start. And I think I've just about had it with cliches.
Anyway. About my life thus far. Same place, new faces, same company, different job. NEW HOUSE!!! :D
And it's already been a year of wedded bliss! Please feel free to send in your congratulatory messages. In true journalistic style you could ask me - "Aapko kaisa mehsoos ho raha hai?" My reply? It's incredible! It's beautiful! And it's shocking but I'm still so much in love! That's gotta be a good sign methinks.
And then you can proceed to ask me - 'How was Singapore?" - It was a really long and amazing honeymoon! In fact I would recommend it to every newly wed - go far, far away from the madding crowd for a year...you will come back renewed and decidedly wiser.
Not that all our time in Singapore was spent sipping mojitos in cuba libre...well, ok...part of it was...but it was time spent understanding each other in a completely strange place...akin to a deserted island..surrounded by lots of laksa and anchovies.
You get what I mean? No? Let me try again.
If we'd continued with our jobs and our lives here in Delhi right after the wedding...nothing would really have changed. Except for the Mrs and the surname...nothing would've been different. Back to the grind.."oh what shift are you on today?" ..."you know what *** said to me?" etc etc. But there, it was a journey of discovery that we went on with each other. We had friends to help us ofcourse, but at the end of the day, it was just us, and a lot of space.
Am I making sense? No? Never mind.
So now that we're back, it feels like it's all new again. Exciting times eh!
Ok now I'm bored. I'm moving on to other things like watching the news now. So till next time...toodle-oo!!

DDV

Disclaimer: The quality of this blog is below standards. For this I apologise. But hey! I'm just about warming up!